stream of consciousness - walking the dog in 0° weather

ok here we go! let's get bundled up. first mental and physical hurdle - buttoning 27 snaps on baby's full-body suit. oops! stop rolling over, please, while I try to button you up. oh no! don't cry! I'll do anything. I'll sing Wheels On The Bus at top speed!

wow. how am I winded from wheels on the bus?

onward. time to strap baby into the moby wrap and also, please stop licking my scarf, kid. excellent, you spit your pacifier onto the floor. lemme just bend over with you attached to me and pick that up (out of breath again?) mmmmmk a quick rinse in the sink and voilà. exhale.

crap. I forgot to lay out my hat and gloves on a high surface before wearing the baby. now I have to bend over with her again. and…got it. add the coat, grab a doggie bag, grab the leash, bend over AGAIN to put on the leash. FOR PETE'S SAKE I forgot to put my boots on first. ugh winter boots are so ugly. I can't wait to wear flip flops again. wahhhhh summer.

NO. positive attitude. you decide your mood. you are grateful for the opportunity to wear winter boots?


alright. double check cell phone keys doggy bag dog baby. check check check check check. deep breath, open door.

SON OF A NUTCRACKER it's cold out here. and…yup there it is, the frozen snot and I CAN'T FEEL MY FACE.

think of something positive, anything positive. oh! yes. the cold reminds me that I'm alive. that blast of icy daggers on my skin is a challenge to conquer!

oh! I did not anticipate the hidden ice under the snow on the sidewalk. if I could just step carefully around these patches…screw it I'll just walk on the snow. Pablo! stop pulling on the leash! it's too slippery! poor guy hasn't seen the great outdoors in days. CURSE YOU MINNESOTA.

whew. this baby is getting heavy. it was a lot easier to walk these hills when she was like 10 pounds. but we're doing it! and it's not really so bad out here. psh. windchill of -15. please. child's play. winter can't stop us. we're invincible! we're- BLASTED WRETCH! that wind is swift and painful. a mighty warrior.

maybe we'll just walk to the corner and back. at least the dog got to see the outdoors for more than 20 seconds. he probably hates it as much as I do. I'm sure of it. he probably wants to be snuggled on the couch with hot cocoa - that's probably me, though. but probably his paws are cold. really, it's probably dangerous for us to be out here.

yeah. it's super dangerous. why didn't I think of that before? I'm really just putting the baby and the dog first. we should all just be inside forever and always. even if we are vampires who don't see the light of day because those walking on the sidewalk could peer into our windows and case the joint and come back to steal our things and maybe us, and we have plastic covering the windows now anyway.

why don't we live in one of those states that shuts everything down the minute a snowflake appears? despair. actually, while I'm imagining, why don't we live in a state that doesn't get snowflakes? now we're talking.

and we're back. ok, mental psych-up to take off my glove and get the key out of my jacket pocket. ready? 1, 2, - wait am I going on 3 or after 3? doesn't matter? ok, let's try again. ready, set, go! *theme song from Disney's Hercules running through my head* sweet damn that's a cold doorknob.

arg! that pain in your hands and ears when you come back inside from the cold! and…undo process. strip off hats and gloves, jacket off, undo moby wrap, unleash dog, kick off soggy boots, and…scene.

sweet. it took us 30 minutes to get ready for a 7 minute walk. I probably won't go outside again until spring.

*3 hours later*

cabin fever strikes again.

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